I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
