I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
