dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Randomize
