mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
