Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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