Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
