If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
