Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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