New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
