i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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