Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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