I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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