a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
