When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
