she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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