I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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