so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize