Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize