Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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