I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
