One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
