i just google imaged poop.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
