never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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