Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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