Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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