Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
try to milk me bitch
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