Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
