if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
