His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize