I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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