We won't sleep together?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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