I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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