Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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