So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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