I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
