Just fell off a train. Bad.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize