remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
