When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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