angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
