Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
