Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
