There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You dont lie about slip and slides
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
