Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I believe in your delicious
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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