No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
