Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
