I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
she smelled like a LAN party
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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