Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
