a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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