"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The maid of honor just puked.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
