my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
