I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
