Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
