I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
