We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize