Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
